Recently, a freelance opportunity presented itself to me. Extremely excited at the prospect, I was eager to dive in but felt a little uneasy after the first few minutes of the call. I thought I had dialed the wrong number. This didn’t sound like a good fit for me at all. Frustration quickly set in, and I wanted to cut the person off (but didn’t). So I let them give their spiel despite feeling put out.
Listening intently, I couldn’t understand WHY they didn’t get me or what I was good at. I mean, isn’t it obvious? Don’t you follow me on social media or my website? After all, I spent many hours creating and editing it to perfection.
Now, let me remove my tongue from my cheek. I was guilty of making it the other person’s responsibility to decipher me. I forgot the simple axiom “listen to understand, don’t speak to be heard” and then proceeded to take myself out of the other person’s shoes.
But why couldn’t they figure it out? They have a project they want help with. What’s so hard about this?
Because they are focused on their problem! They need me to step inside their world and see it from their vantage point. Understand it. Name it. Fix it. Instead, I was asking them to be a mind reader. No, YOU climb into MY world. I wanted them to appreciate how much effort I have put into explaining myself. I mean, it’s their problem they are coming to me with.
In the situation I encountered, I knew they thought highly of me. So much so that they are hoping I can help. I thought to myself, but can’t they do the math?
No matter who it is, whether a colleague, partner, employee, prospective or current client, everyone is biased towards their self-interest. Communication styles differ. People learn in different ways. The internet is rife with how to understand, how to speak, and how to connect better. We all appreciate these insights and naturally try to glean an advantage in business or our personal lives. With so much data out there, we’d be crazy not to, right? But it must be balanced with understanding each other more, not just ourselves.
I’ve taken all the personality quizzes, read the books, and learned my “type,” “tendency,” and “traits.” Besides a lifelong fascination with knowing these things, I gleefully gravitate to them. “OOH!” I say. Maybe this one will finally nail my personality and give me the secret to unlocking all my potential. The older I get, the more the results stay the same. I generally already know what “type” or “acronym” the results will show.
It struck me that perhaps it is merely self-acceptance I’m craving, not another chart, graph, or diagram I seek. None of these things tell you why I’m unique. They are data points and insights that show how I behave. Or more to the point, how I may act and likely interact with others. They also point to what I may value most, what my “currency” is, and how I like to operate and interact with others. All great information, but it had me stuck. Me firmly trying to telegraph who I am, wasn’t cutting it. I needed to relate better, or I would find myself here again.
So, I put down the academic exercise and went back to fundamentals. In the same way, I seek to understand myself and learn how I tick; it’s up to me to understand what is important to others and then explain how I can solve the issue, improve the situation or bring them value. The idea of positioning yourself as the solution creator, problem solver, etc., isn’t new, and I’m not breaking any new ground here by pointing it out. I am offering perspective in the form of the proverbial brick that hit me in the head.
How do you bring that all together? It meant climbing off my pretty perch (the one I built out of my awesome) and looking the person in the proverbial eye. Then I remembered a book I had read recently that explores how to use FBI hostage negotiation tactics in real-world scenarios like deal-making.
The book is called Never Split The Difference.
Using the tactics outlined, I quickly saw a “magic moment.” Clarity. Relief. UNDERSTANDING. Now we’re on the same page. Walls broken. Results forthcoming.
As a professional writer, I lay awake at night with the same thoughts and worries others like me have. Did I do that right? Have I worked on that long enough? Is this the right direction? Too often, we let our drive and passion become our substitute for seeing it from our audience’s perspective. Thus falling victim to the place I found myself recently where I internally rolled my eyes at being sized up incorrectly.
My experience taught me four things:
Never fall into the guilt trap: “I’m a business owner/freelancer/writer/etc., so I have to possess expertise and crystal ball capabilities in all areas.” Nope. You can’t know everything, but you can learn it in time.
Tactical empathy works every time. Learn it, and practice it because it’s not a parlor trick. Benefit from it in all areas of your life.
Being a solopreneur is a struggle at times. It is worth knowing your personality type and tendencies. That way, you can succeed and fail faster because the failures hold the lessons.
You can do everything correctly using proven tactics and still be misjudged, misunderstood, or dismissed. Its OK. Those are lessons, so seek the wisdom in them.
Photo by Zuzana Ruttkay on Unsplash
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